JUST WALK AWAY

Everyone who walks into a shelter with the intension of adoption should come under intense scrutiny. I don’t mean just the usual background check to ascertain whether they are wanted by the Feds for animal cruelty or have an appetite for such delicacies as “Tiny Tiger,” but actually undergo ridged interrogation to find out whether they truly understand what the introduction of this new life to their family will mean. It should be determined whether or not they know that these creatures, though void of language and the ability to speak, are far more intelligent than most humans give them credit for and are quite capable of psychological manipulation.

            One of the most important questions during this interrogation would be, “Do you enjoy being around little children?” No, let me rephrase that; It should be “Can you tolerate little kids and calmly walk away without losing your cool and beating the tar out of them?”

            I have lived with animals of all kinds all my life, and the one thing I’ve learned about them is that they think very much like little children. Here’s the list:

1. They think that you and every other creature was put here only to serve them.

2. They are jealous of their siblings and other animals and can be bullies.

3. They are greedy.

4. They are dangerously curious.

5. They pull stupid stunts because they don’t understand the consequences.

6. They think they’re Superman and can leap tall furniture in a single bound.

7. What you’ve indicated they should not do is exactly what they will do as soon as you’re not looking.

8. They think the food is better on the other cat’s or dog’s plate.

9. When it’s time to go to the doctor, they hide in places you didn’t even know you had places. If you discover the hiding place, be aware that (unlike little kids) both cats and dogs (excluding greyhounds) can run 30MPH.

10. They require a lot of love, patience, guidance and protection.

            I have to admit that I walk away a lot, but I always have. When my boys were little and really sharpening my nerves to a razors edge, I would tell them, “If you don’t stop that, I’m going to pull out your arm and beat you over the head with the bloody end of it.” I can still see them, hands-over-mouth chuckling. I have five cats, and when they start acting like little lids, I tell them, “If I get my hands on you, I’m going to beat all the fur off of your tiny hiney!” That’s when they walk away from me. And I swear I can hear them snickering!

Allie